I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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