the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
