i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I have demons in me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
