I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
