"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
