My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
