I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
