i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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