Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
