I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
this is an emotional support booty call
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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