he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
