Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
