Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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