Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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