Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
