she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Drake has all the answers
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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