Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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