I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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