If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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