You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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