Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
