I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
