dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
