She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
