I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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