Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Randomize
