I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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