I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
