You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
