Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
