I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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