i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
