That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
