You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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