you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Life is so much better after having sex.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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