I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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