i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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