he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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