She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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