consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
