so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
