I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i already hear my dad disowning me
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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