a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
True strength comes from lack of pants
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
