Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
