took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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