i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
