I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
