You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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