you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
