U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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