haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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